When You Compare and Compete, You Lose the Ability to Connect

Why comparing ourselves with others can compromise our relationships

We’re told to aim high, to achieve.

We set out into the world with lofty goals and work diligently towards achieving them.

Our confidence and self-esteem grows with every milestone we reach.

But the line between self-esteem and self-righteousness can be a fine one. It is easy to develop an inflated sense of self with each passing achievement.

This is why the Stoics warned against the applause of the crowd. “The emptiness of those applauding hands. The people who praise us; how capricious they are, how arbitrary”, wrote Roman philosopher king, Marcus Aurelius.

Identifying too closely with external validation renders one’s internal compass broken, for you are no longer aspiring to live in accordance with your values, but in accordance with what will temporarily secure the admiration of the crowd.

And with the applause of the crowd, inevitably, comes comparing others unfavourably with yourself.

And this is dangerous.

As Timothy Clark writes in The Four Stages of Psychological Safety, when you compare and compete, you lose the…